Therapy
by i'd sink us to swim
Summary: Completely AU. Voldemort and Harry in a therapy session. What would they say? A collection of therapy sessions. Always complete.
1. Week 1

**_Okay, so I decided that I would try this. It is a pretty popular idea I think, but I wanted to add my own twist. I will probably do a handful of these, but this is my first. I hope you like it._**

**_Disclaimer: Everything except the doc goes to J.K. Rowling._**

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><p>"Hello and welcome to your first session of anger management," the doctor said.<p>

There was a grunt.

There was a moan.

Then there was a laugh.

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY?" Voldemort screamed.

"You moaned," Harry giggled.

"Your POINT?" Voldemort cried in indignation.

"It sounded wrong," Harry said in a tone that made it sound as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Harry snickered.

"Very mature, Potter. And you- Mr. I'm-gonna-relieve-all-your-anger-and-help-you-work-out-your-problems-for-just-fifteen-galleons-an-hour," Voldemort took a couple deep breaths, "What is so funny? Huh? You want me to Avada Kedavra you like I did with everyone else who associated with Potter? Or would like to join Nagini for breakfast?"

"Uh, um… Tommy? Can I call you Tommy?"

No response.

"Don't ya mean dinner?"

"No, of course not. Nagini already had dinner. Lovely. Ms. Charity Burbage."

"WHAT? You- you f-fed your b-bloody snake m-m-my... PROFESSOR?"

"That's unhealthy," the doctor said sagely.

"You're right. I'm a terrible pet owner. Not the best meal she's ever had. Stupid Muggle-lover."

"Hey! I disagree with that! She wasn't-" Harry cried huffily.

"Okay, okay. Anyway..." the doctor said in a futile attempt to stop what was coming.

"You disagree? Disagree- hah. She was a bloody Muggle Studies teacher! Obviously she was lovey-dovey toward the Muggies!"

"Well- er! Uh…"

"Guys..." the doctor tried again.

"Whatcha got against Muggles anyhow?"

"They don't deserve magic."

"That's not a real answer," Harry rebuffed.

"Well-"

"And wasn't your father a Muggle anyway?"

"NO! Well- well, yes, but you see-"

"Oh, oh, I get it. Ickle Tommykins had trouble when he was a wittle boy-"

"Shut up!"

"Know your parents before you were shipped off to some Muggle orphanage?" Harry teased.

"Potter..." Voldemort growled.

"Or were the other boys at the orphange mean to you? Boo-hoo, did they make you cry? Are we finally getting to the root of your itty-bitty problems Tommy?"

"Harry..." the doctor said sensing the Dark Lord's anger.

"Now do you see why I often desire to KILL him, Doc?" Voldemort screeched in frustration.

"Now do you see why I want to bring him down? This guy kills everyone who makes him the slightest bit unhappy, anyone who merely is standing within ten feet of him is Avada'd for having different beliefs! He took out his own father!"

"Well, how else am I expected to conquer the world?" Voldemort said in a fed up tone.

"There lies the deep problem!"

"What prob-"

"Oh, look at that times run out. See you next week Potter, Riddle," the doctor said hurriedly.

"MY NAME IS VOLDEMORT!"

"OK. Whatever you say Tommykins," Harry snorted.

There was a sound of shuffling and then the slamming of a door.

"I guess our session is over," Harry noted.

"He must've had somewhere pretty important to be. Did you see that man move?"

"Sure, or maybe it's because he was afraid of your wrath," Harry joked.

"Good to know I've still got it."

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><p><em><strong>What did your think? Write me a review. I'll continue with enough of them.<strong>_

_**Ok, also... I saw someone else doing this and thought I'd try it. **_

_**So... I present to you... the **_**QUESTIONS_!_**

**_QuEsTiOn Of ThE dAy: _**_What is Dumbledore's full name? Don't cheat by looking!_


	2. Week 2

_**Bad dog humor... ;P I mean **_**really_ bad._**

**Disclaimer: J.K. owns all. **

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><p>"Okay, well, welcome back..."<p>

"Great to be back, Doc," Voldemort replied.

"Oh yeah. Just marvelous," Harry said.

"Seriously fan-bloody-tastic!" Voldemort said sarcastically.

"Don't you talk about Sirius! You savage murderer!"

"I didn't-"

"Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!" Harry screamed.

A sniffle was heard.

"Are you crying, Potter? Over that filthy mutt?"

"He's not a mutt! He was purebred! If anyone's a hybrid it's you! You stupid Slytherin snake!"

"Are you calling me a dog, Potter?" Voldemort said dangerously.

"Well, ya know, I suppose I am!"

"Ava-"

"Wait, wait, wait! You can't kill me now!"

"And why the bloody snot not?" Voldemort said furiously.

"Bloody sn- Never mind. Well, because this is not how I planned to die if that was going to be the outcome of this war!" Harry explained.

"You planned out your bloody death? You fantasized about your murder?"

"No I did not fantasize about my murder! I dreamt of my smadfraice..." Harry trailed off.

"Your what?" Voldemort took a deep breath. His voice was going hoarse from yelling.

"My safframicen..."

"Mr. Potter, I am going to have to ask you to speak quite clearer," the doctor cut in.

"Alright, FINE! My SACRIFICE!"

"Ha-ow-haha-ha. Your sacrifice?" Voldemort laughed, clutching his sides.

"Yes! There would be a big battle, somewhere cool like Hogwarts. Then I would go and sacrifice myself like the great wizards before me to save my loved ones."

"Wow…."

"Impressive ending I know."

"Alright you can dream that but make me sound cool in it!"

"How so?"

"I dunno. Make me say something like, 'I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself.'

"Dude... sweeeet!"

Voldemort: "I know!"

"But it matters not what you will say or how I fantasize my death, because in the end you will fall. Do you know how I know this?"

"Is it love again? Dumbledore's favorite solution, love, which he claimed conquered death, though love did not stop him falling from the tower and breaking like an old waxwork. Love, which did not prevent me stamping out your Mudblood mother like a cockroach, Potter."

"Don't call her a mudblood! She's twelve times the person you'll ever be."

"Psh. You don't even know her."

"I have met her. Ever heard of Priori Incantatem?"

"What-"

"Or the Mirror of Erised?"

"That blasted-"

"Or how about the Ressurec- nevermind," Harry could not give away that he knew the location of one of the Deathly Hallows, but it was too late.

*Gasp*

"WHAT? The Res-ressu-"

"Okay. Maybe we should continue this next week..." the doctor cut in.

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><p><em><strong>See? Like I said, really bad. <strong>_

_**Review please!**_

_**If you have any ideas, please share. **_


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